Jesus age fucking christ I’m tired of faggots.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people.  I’m sure the ones I don’t know are great, at least some of them.  Hell, I bet they even give a mean blowjob, which makes everything that much more tempting, but holy fuck some of you flaming queers need to stop advertising your shit around.

I fucking get it already, you’re gay.  You work, sleep, suck dicks, it’s cool, but I don’t want to fucking hear about it.  You don’t need to run around posting fliers, wearing obnoxious costumes and making everything stop in place to hear you say, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”.  Yes, you’re gay, and we don’t give a shit either.

Do you see me running down the streets screaming, “I love pussy!  I’m so fucking straight!! Look at me fuck my girlfriend like a $3 whore!”  No.  Why the fuck would I?  People don’t give two shits if I’m gay or straight.  Why would they?  It’s not like there’s a man taking a census running around the streets, “Ummm, excuse me sir, I have a question for the national census for you…Are you gay or straight?” If that happened, I’d probably make that motherfucker eat a curb sammich.

But you chocolate speedway freaks take this to a whole new level.  You’ve got yourself bars, gay bars.  And you call them gay bars.  And you know what, it stops the straight man from attending such a place, leaving you fags in the dark.  Yeah, all you’ve got now is a bar in which straights drive by and say, “Look at all the fucking fairies.  Bunch of fags.”  You’re standing yourself out to where nobody can stand you.  And you fucking wonder why there’s so much gay bashing still.

Sure the Christians are still having a tough time adapting, but they wouldn’t have any place to go if they didn’t know where you were.  “GAY BAR!!” kinda screams, “PICKET HERE!!”, and then the Christians with their unforgiving values stop their meaningless lives, line up and call you faggots.  Awwwwww, they called you a name, now yell back at them as you’re dressed in your sparkly clothes, dresses and costumes.  Halloween everyday, free candy! Trick or dick in your ass?

To make it even worse, you cock farmers have parades.  Gay pride parades.  Why in the HELL do you need to fucking parade yourselves around in public, announcing how gay you are?  Do you see me holding a rainbow colored sign, walking the streets, stopping traffic, with hundreds of my straight buddies, expressing how much it is our right to be straight?  No.  Because nobody gives a shit.  If we don’t know you’re gay or hear about it, we generally don’t give a fuck what you do with your dick as long as it’s not pressed against us.

You see, faggots, the problem isn’t us, it’s you.  You publicizing everything.  It’s too much for the straights to handle.  Hell, I think even some of the gays are upset with it too.  Enough is enough, god damnit.  You want to bring that shit in my face, I’m going to tear it down.  Trust me, I don’t hate gays, but I hate bragging.  If I see you fucking queers parading around ever again, I’m going ass rape you with a tire iron and make you wish you hadn’t gone gay publicly to give me that idea.  Just let it fucking be, ladies.

“Thank you for calling [company name here], [insert slogan].  Press 1 for cable tv support.  Press 2 for high speed internet support.  Press 3 for telephone support.  Para Espanol, oprima numero ocho.”

This is the same thing I hear, over and over.  But what’s driving my mind is why?  Why the fuck do I have to hear that?  Why the fuck is there the option for “ocho”?  And what the fuck is an ocho?  Is ocho like one of those candy bars with  a blend of orange and 6 types of chocolate?

Alright, some of you morons are already thinking, “OMG He doesn’t know what Spanish is!  Haha what an idiot!”  Yeah, as if you are dumb enough to believe that I lack any sort of cultural diversity just because I’m a sexy beast.  Of course I know what Spanish is, hell, I even speak some of the language.  But I’m still not sure why I had to learn it as a child.

Let me show you an example of where I grew up:

(See bottom.  For some fucking reason, wordpress is fighting me today and is refusing me to use any sort of formatting that I want.)

Do you see how close International Falls is to the Canadian border?  My bedroom window currently faces Canada.  I’m so close that if I were jerking off and stood up, I could blow a juicy cock-bomb all over Canadian soil.  Now why is it, in high school, we were required to learn a language but were only given two options: German and Spanish.  Obviously bi-lingual Franco-phonic Canada isn’t close enough to recognize that we might visit there sometime in our lives.  No, they give us the southern option on the northern border, Spanish.  Why?  Well I’m thinking that Canada es mucho grande fiesta.  Then again, I might be wrong.

But this is all beside the point.  We live in a country that’s national language is listed as English.  Let me say that again for those of you who don’t read the English language too well.  We live in a country that’s national language is listed as English.  Why is it that in our country, we’re catering our services to another language?  Wouldn’t you think, if you went to a country that’s primary language wasn’t English, that you’d have to learn their native tongue?

But nooooo, in the United States of we’re a bunch of bitches, we give the option to everyone.  And because we are a nation of such diversity, we must cater to the millions of aliens, immigrants and other assholes who just plain refuse to learn out language.  If I go to Mexico, I’m not fucking walking around down there looking for a hamburger if I don’t know what to call it.  By the time I get done motioning around, trying to play pictionary with someone who doesn’t speak my language, I’ve earned myself a 200 peso rat-ka-bob.  Sounds delicious…

But these fuckers come to our country begging we take it easy on them, because they WANTED to be in OUR country where we SPEAK ENGLISH!  For instance, little Paco jumped the fence, found his way to San Diego and now populates the streets.  But Paco can’t speak a work of English.  So instead of finding steady work(which we know the American citizens are more than willing to hire assholes who’ll work for 2.50/hr) he meanders his way to the Home Depot parking lot, hoping to find a roof to fix or deck to build.  Paco packs up with a half dozen or better other immigrants who have the same issue, in where there’s always a group leader who understands English enough to bargain a $75 day for a truck full of them.

This is absolutely ridiculous, because the giant coporations, with tech support, are feeding the damned cause.  They’re giving the option for the citizens who don’t speak English to receive their help in other languages.  Ok, in the case of some corps, I’m sure they have divisions in Latin America that would cater to their customers who don’t reside on U.S. soil, but that’s a legitimate excuse.  I’m talking about the exclusive companies, the phones, the internets, the cables…you know, the necessities.

As if we’re not giving the aliens enough of a break by not throwing 100,000 volts to the fence…but would that really be such a bad idea for our economy?  I know I could do with a few less aliens filling up the job market, using up our resources and flooding our cities.  Hell, if there were a rebellion, I’d lead the fucker myself, just warrant me a license to kill and I’ll be fine.

What are we really trying to do here when we’re allowing millions of immigrants illegally into our country?  Did you know nearly a half of a million Mexicans “jump the fence” each year?  That’s nearly 1400 per day.  3 days worth and they could double the population of my shitty hometown.  Why not clear a huge reserve for the illegal immigrants in Montana, let them sit out there, colonize and populate underneath Alberta and Saskatchewan.

They’d have that place built up like little Cuba, trying to grow drugs and shit.  Then, for a training exercise, let the S.W.A.T.s, the Border Patrols, the Customs, anyone else who has a gun and reason to raid, jump up in that fucking reserve, bust the hell out of everyone and destroy all the drugs.  It’d be cheap fucking training…and REAL training, none of this simulator bullshit.  After all the dust settled, the few remaining would begin to rebuild their shit and we’d dump off another half million aliens to help.

It’s the ultimate solution folks, and a morbid form of entertainment.  Hell, I’d buy a dozen aliens at a time for target practice if the government would let me.  Shit, offer me a bulk deal and I might even feed the fuckers before I wax ‘em.  If any of you work for the government and have a connection to do so, feel free to email me.  I’ve got to get away from notepad now, it’s 3:20am and I feel angry after all this thinking.  I’m going to go take a kitten in one hand and a brick in the other and clap vigorously until my anger is gone.

I had a blackout last week, made $13.92 that game.  Grab a few friends, print some out, spend half a day playing Bingo at Wal-Mart.

Alright, I’ve had a few emails regarding the previous James Bond blog.  To you assholes who keep emailing me, why not leave some comments?  There’s a fucking swarm of you trying to be all covert and behind the scenes, yet all you’re doing is pissing me off to the point where I’m going to start posting your emails…with addresses…and names…Yeah, don’t think I won’t, because I will.  And to the 2 of you who thought it was completely necessary emailing me from your work email, I’m responding to your network admins with a current list of your activity on my site, including hit counts, time spent and content viewed.  Enjoy unemployment, fuckheads.

James Bond movies are manly, they always have been and always will be.  They’re movies in which men can sit down, have a fucking blast viewing, then get up and have a MANtasy.  No, not a fantasy.  Fantasies are for women and fags running around thinking some prince is going to save them from the evil troll and then they’ll live happily ever after in their precious little home on the range.

No, a MANtasy is every man’s way of exploring his inner-child, his creative side.  MANtasies are where men can run around and imagine what it’s like killing everything that moves, banging the vulnerable hot chic or blowing some shit the fuck up.  A MANtasy is where the man takes on a creative thought and imagines himself in scenes, or similar situations, from his favorite action flicks.

The James Bond series is ranked right at the top with other action greats such as, Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon(or for you black guys, Roger Murtaugh), John McClain in Die Hard, Lt. Frank Drebin(Naked Gun), Austin Powers(I didn’t forget about you Brits), Jason Bourne or even Wolverine.  It’s men like these that all give MANtasies a fighting chance against the evils that lurk in our imagination.

This Bond flick, in particular, did something that all the others didn’t, they lacked in extremely hot cleavage and boob action.  This isn’t such a bad thing considering Marc Foster really pulled out all the stops adding to the almost non-stop action of the film.  Bond managed to get in and out of hairy shit left and right, throughout the entire movie.  The movie even seemed to start out with a scene that involved a lot of Parkour on Bond’s behalf, which was a huge woody for me.

The women totally didn’t appeal to my MANtasies at all, both women lacked any sort of heavy chest or sex appeal at all, which leads me to believe that Marc Foster’s dick is in a jar, placed precisely on his boyfriend’s night stand.  Seriously, disappointing.  Hell even the acting skillset of these two ladies was about as talented as a kid trying to hammer a square block into a circle hole.  Judy Dench(M) played a sexier role that those two board-chested bimbos.  I found that throughout the movie, Judy Dench gave me more wood with her, “Bond you’re a dumbass.” attitude than either of the lead girls would have done in the nude.

Did I mention the action ruled?

The storyline was even killer, it provided for a lot of confusing twists and set up those badass fight scenes and shootouts.  Bond at one point is believed to have killed another British special agent and he becomes outcast from MI6 until debriefing.  This leads for even more suspense and fighting because both sides are now out for bond.

Blah, blah, there’s way more to it all, but I don’t think I’ll bore you with any of it.  You’ll have to either pirate the movie or go to it in the theater.  Either way, I didn’t hate it, not at all.  I’ve got to go though, some asshole just kicked in my door and I need to lay 3lbs of 9mm lead to his gullet.

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