The next motherfucking man I see wearing eyeliner is going to get the throttling of his life.  I’m not going to give this guy the usual brick-to-the-face style beat down, no, that’s reserved for the handicapped and near-vegetable morons.  I’m going to straight up maul the fucking eye makeup wearing shithead to the edge of death with my own personal weapons.

The first thing fuckface will receive is the nastiest right hooked to the temple and I can only hope that it rolls along his forehead and across the bridge of the nose.  Then I’m going to grab him by his frosted and probably emo hair and pull his face into my oncoming knee…9 or 10 times.  Then elbows to the eye sockets will follow.

After the massacre, I will take a picture and promptly email it to the suggestion department at L’Oreal, Avon, Maybelline, and CoverGirl with the attached message:

“To Whom I May Fucking Care Less About,

If you do not stop making your products readily available to male consumers, I will personally see to it that your companies end up claiming full responsibility for each and every one of these vicious attacks.  Please advise.

Sincerely not giving a fuck,

Servo

P.s. Your products suck and make women look like fatass clowns.  They don’t need any more help looking like shit in today’s world of horrid fashion.  Get bent.”

Ok, this product is meant for insecure women, I get it.  But men, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PUTTING IT ON YOUR EYES?!!!!  This is like me flaunting around in a dress.  Putting on a dress is fun sober, ONCE and once only.  Drunk, you get more chances.  But willingly wearing makeup is something that does not warrant excuse.  If it were Halloween or a joke, sure.  I could even understand losing a bet.  But as a casual part of your everyday life?  Give it the fuck up.

When the fuck did men become so fucking concerned about how sexy they looked?  Let me give you a piece of advice, men aren’t sexy.  Sexy for a man is 3 day stubble, messy hair and covered in sawdust, grease, blood, dirt or all of the above.  You know what that’s called? Rugged.  This is what men are.  They are filthy beasts, thriving off it like air.  Hell, I cut something open at least every other day and purposely get the entrails on me, just to be sure that everyone in my path knows that I’m a man.

You mascara, makeup wearing pricks need to pull your shit together and quit making our race look like a bunch of metrosexual fucksticks.  Get fucking bent or I’ll bend your face around a street light.  Assholes.

Eastwood is at it again.  At 78, this motherfucker is kicking more ass than Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Mel Gibson and Wesley Snipes combined.  Unlike the mega action stars, Eastwood is the war vet-like hero who’s “Shut the fuck up or I’ll have you buried in the back 40″ attitude seems to do the job just fine.

The thing with Eastwood is that he gets in these roles and goes straight for the kill, doesn’t back down and makes it very believable that one pissed off old man can do whatever, without fear of punishment because he’s too damn old anyway.  What’s a 70+ man have to lose?  His life?  Well it’s already been experienced to the max.  His health?  Once again, it’s pretty much maxed out.  His dignity?  He lost that after he started pissing the bed again.

That’s why this movie is going to kick some serious ass.  Even if the hero dies, it’s not a complete waste.  That and it’s Clint, he’s always been a hardass, this should be his last movie(according to the news that he’s retiring) and there’s going to be a lot of old school military rifles, like the M1 Garrand that he was weilding in the trailer, blazing up the ghetto.   What’s not to love?

I for one, will be heading off to see this kickass film opening night(Dec 12).  I will also be the only one cheering him on when, if, he shoots himself any minorities.  Not because I’m racist, but because it makes for a good way to wind up the other movie-goers.  With a movie as manly as this, one has to be excited.  Who’s coming with?

Alright, I’ve had a few emails regarding the previous James Bond blog.  To you assholes who keep emailing me, why not leave some comments?  There’s a fucking swarm of you trying to be all covert and behind the scenes, yet all you’re doing is pissing me off to the point where I’m going to start posting your emails…with addresses…and names…Yeah, don’t think I won’t, because I will.  And to the 2 of you who thought it was completely necessary emailing me from your work email, I’m responding to your network admins with a current list of your activity on my site, including hit counts, time spent and content viewed.  Enjoy unemployment, fuckheads.

James Bond movies are manly, they always have been and always will be.  They’re movies in which men can sit down, have a fucking blast viewing, then get up and have a MANtasy.  No, not a fantasy.  Fantasies are for women and fags running around thinking some prince is going to save them from the evil troll and then they’ll live happily ever after in their precious little home on the range.

No, a MANtasy is every man’s way of exploring his inner-child, his creative side.  MANtasies are where men can run around and imagine what it’s like killing everything that moves, banging the vulnerable hot chic or blowing some shit the fuck up.  A MANtasy is where the man takes on a creative thought and imagines himself in scenes, or similar situations, from his favorite action flicks.

The James Bond series is ranked right at the top with other action greats such as, Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon(or for you black guys, Roger Murtaugh), John McClain in Die Hard, Lt. Frank Drebin(Naked Gun), Austin Powers(I didn’t forget about you Brits), Jason Bourne or even Wolverine.  It’s men like these that all give MANtasies a fighting chance against the evils that lurk in our imagination.

This Bond flick, in particular, did something that all the others didn’t, they lacked in extremely hot cleavage and boob action.  This isn’t such a bad thing considering Marc Foster really pulled out all the stops adding to the almost non-stop action of the film.  Bond managed to get in and out of hairy shit left and right, throughout the entire movie.  The movie even seemed to start out with a scene that involved a lot of Parkour on Bond’s behalf, which was a huge woody for me.

The women totally didn’t appeal to my MANtasies at all, both women lacked any sort of heavy chest or sex appeal at all, which leads me to believe that Marc Foster’s dick is in a jar, placed precisely on his boyfriend’s night stand.  Seriously, disappointing.  Hell even the acting skillset of these two ladies was about as talented as a kid trying to hammer a square block into a circle hole.  Judy Dench(M) played a sexier role that those two board-chested bimbos.  I found that throughout the movie, Judy Dench gave me more wood with her, “Bond you’re a dumbass.” attitude than either of the lead girls would have done in the nude.

Did I mention the action ruled?

The storyline was even killer, it provided for a lot of confusing twists and set up those badass fight scenes and shootouts.  Bond at one point is believed to have killed another British special agent and he becomes outcast from MI6 until debriefing.  This leads for even more suspense and fighting because both sides are now out for bond.

Blah, blah, there’s way more to it all, but I don’t think I’ll bore you with any of it.  You’ll have to either pirate the movie or go to it in the theater.  Either way, I didn’t hate it, not at all.  I’ve got to go though, some asshole just kicked in my door and I need to lay 3lbs of 9mm lead to his gullet.

Click for new James Bond Music Video

Porn. Every man needs to own it, watch it, round off an armada of knuckle children to it. Not because we’re perverts, breathing heavily, thinking about the cleavage we saw on that chic at the grocery store who was just standing there, repeating herself over and over, “What are you staring at?” Uhh, wait, what? Anyways, men need porn.

Our containers for love spray hold contents under pressure, and unlike spray paint cans, will burst in any condition if not properly applied. In other words, if a man doesn’t blow a $3 Honolulu wonder cooler on a regular basis, he’s liable to blow one prematurely, at any time, all over your brand new shirt…and in your hair…and eyes…and nose…and on that picture of your grandmother you keep on the nightstand…and Mr. Scruffles the antique teddy bear that the lady in the now ruined photograph gave you when you were born…and that hard to reach corner of the bed where it meets the wall with that convenient tiny pressure crack in the pain that is oh so fucking impossible to clean. You get the idea.

And what’s better than porn? It’s wholesome, you can’t get any diseases from watching it, unless of course you make the mistake of watching it with a two-bit prostitute or an 18yr old bimbo, but that’s also beside the point. Porn is like the human race’s last stand against premature ejaculation, for men, all men, everywhere. It’s not only a necessity in life, but a quest for men everywhere to see as much, in variety, as possible. Sure not every man will be getting off to an elderly midget taking 29″ of horse dong in every orifice on her body, but you still have to see it, just to make sure you’re not part of the 1/900th of 1% that might enjoy such a thing. And even if you are, there’s nothing wrong with that, you’re not doing it, just watching. You’re a man, if anyone objects to your beastiality fetish, remind them that you’re manly by hitting them with the first accessible object greater than 35lbs in your immediate reach.

Being manly and watching porn is also a pasttime for many men. Hell, men regularly partake in social events in which pornographic images, videos and even actions take place. Does this make them any less manly? FUCK NO. This makes them 10 times the man because they’re telling the world, “FUCK YOU! *bitchslap* Fuck you, world. The guys and I are going to watch 30minutes of unedited footage involving amputee on tranny action and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. Oh yeah? You got a fucking problem with that? Say it to my fucking face, asswad. Fuck you, I’m going to beat you to death with this ______.” (replace underlined area with any of the following: Television, waffle iron, stapler, 250k volt stun gun, Webster’s dictionary, season 3 of Lost, used tampon, Kristie Alley.)

Now for the fun of things, let’s just say, perhaps, that you, being a man, decided you wanted to make a porn. This is also a very acceptable situation. However, there are a few guidelines that you must follow to prevent any strikes in your manliness level.

Rule #1: Balls cannot touch. It’s alright to get into a dirty 3-way, gangbag or 75 car train on a 19yr cum dumpster, but your balls are strictly forbidden from touching those of any other males, period. You render yourself as a homosexual permanently for the violation of this rule. Also keep in mind that holding another man’s cock while you “help him aim” is pretty much the same. It may not be a violation, but I’ll still call you a fag if you do it.

Rule #2: A man can ONLY penetrate a woman. There are exceptions to this rule that include, masturbation with foods, plastics, fabrics and livestock, but beyond that, no throwing it to the tranny because he looks like a chic.

Rule #3: Men always finish strong. The bitch looks ugly, give her some Manactiv.

Rule #4: Never say any of the following phrases during the creation of a porno: sorry, are you ok?, I can’t find the hole, are you sure you want it in there?, please. Any violation of those rules are forbidden and punishable by method of caning your own cock.

Rule #5: Cream pies are not food. Don’t even think about it, queer.

Rule #6: Practice safe sex. Always check to make sure her boyfriend isn’t coming home soon. Better safe than sorry.

Men, don’t forget, if you can get away with not paying the girl, then do so. Paying for sex should only happen when it involves Vegas, Mexico, any place over seas, Audrina Patridge, or because the stripper is pissed and you’re still inside the club desperately searching for an exit before Sean and Alton hear the faint screeching of Clover, who just so happens to be holding your cock ransom inside her body with a vaginal choke hold o’ death.

So just think to yourself, men, if you’re going to be watching porn, don’t worry, it’s absolutely acceptable and manly as fuck. If anyone says different, send them to my blog, have them email me(servo@servolive.com) their complaints, I’ll set limp dicked pole-smokers straight.