Today I am a little uneven about the whole economy.  It’s not my fault it’s failing, so why am I the one who’s suffering?  Fuck, if a car that’s “bigger, faster, better” didn’t cost me $35,000, I might just buy one.  But is that my fault?  No.  That’s none of our faults.  I have a car, it’s a pile of shit, but it was affordable.  Yet these automotive companies wander around aimlessly trying to figure out why they have no money and are near bankrupt.  Banks, you’re part of this perpetual assfuck too.

As an example of how we’re being raped by the very people who are dependent on us, I’d like to set up a small series of imaginary situations.

Example #1:  If you handed a bum, who begged you for money, $5 and watched him get into his Bentley, drive to his private jet, fly off to his 16 million dollar home only to pack for his trip to his 450 acre, fully staffed, private ranch before his trip to his exclusive oceanfront condo in the Cayman Islands, you’d be pretty pissed, right?

Example #2:  Your friend asks you to loan him $100, explaining that he can’t afford to pay his bills.  You loan him the money.  Later that evening you catch him blowing it at the titty bar on the fat stripper.

Example #3:  You’re being held down against your own will taking 14″ of cock in the ass while you’re forced to watch your significant other willingly sleep with someone else.  To top things off your dog died, your father came out of the closet and your car’s been stolen.

Explain to me why you’re not pissed right now, you stupid fucks.  Why shouldn’t any of us be pissed off at the economy and government at the moment?  They’re lending out billions to trillions of our taxpayer dollars to fuckheads who already have millions and refuse to sacrifice anything, yet we sit here and pay the bill.

Listen here, gov, instead of giving these millionaire fucksticks a few more billion to play around with, why not give it to the people who these companies depend on?  I’m not sure if you notice or not, but giving money to a giant corporation out of the taxpayer pockets is still not going to solve the problem.  Why?  BECAUSE WE ARE THE FUCKING CONSUMERS.  Do you even fucking know what that means?  We buy the shit.  Duh.   We, not them.  How are we going to buy shit that we already can’t afford if you’re giving away our money?

Give the money to us.  If you keep giving money to the corporations they’re going to keep failing.  No matter how much you give to them, they’re not going to buy their own products and keep their own business going.  No way.  Besides, why are you bailing them out anyway?  You should have just told the fucks to drop their prices, sacrifice their millions in assets, take a pay-cut and come down to the level of the rest of America.

And that makes me wonder, how would the executives survive on $40,000/yr?  It’s unbelievable that anyone could live without a pool, BMW or maid service.  Do you realize how hard it is to clean a toilet bowl?  Physicists have been trying to figure it out for years, it’s a fucking science all in its own!

And one more thing with the fucking economy, what the fuck is with all the excess news and media coverage on topics such as Martha Stewart’s dog dying in a propane explosion?  I’m sure there’s more important topics to cover.  This just in, Martha Stewart’s dog has died.  Stay tuned for 24/7 coverage of this breaking news.

I love a broad with a dildo.  Seriously.  Nothing screams, “I’m a horned up freak who wants something phallic at least 40 times a week” like a chick with a drawer filled with plastic cocks.  And men like that.  Take it from me, I’m a man.  A man who appreciates a woman who’s willing to take 8″ of any of the multiple choice answers: plastic rod, broom handle, television remote, shampoo bottle, fist to elbow, deer antler.

Sex toys are so much more than just a hole stretcher for women, but a sign that us men have a better chance of scoring.  If I’m in some crazy bitch’s apartment and I see her coot-diddler sitting out somewhere, I instantly know that she’s willing to take a dick.  I also know that she’s loose, so I have to make compensation adjustments by using her bathroom and vigorously searching for hair ties.  Actually, forget I said that.

At any rate, rubber dicks are the best thing that could happen to man.  We no longer have to guess by the cross necklace or count partners by the number of holes in her jeans.  Nope, we just calculate how slutty she is based on how many toys she has.   Also how many times she blows you while you’re out to dinner.

Things like dildos aren’t the only tell-tales.  Crotchless panties, whips, swings and adult film contracts are only a few of the other items that help expose a woman’s sexuality.  For instance, the more pornos she’s been in, the less likely you are to have sex.  Seriously, she’s seen all shapes and sizes, so unless you have platypus growing off your wedding tackle, she’d probably rather watch water evaporate than sleep with you.

So ladies with toys, I salute you.  I salute you as a man who can now easily recognize which of you are easy lays and which of you have crotch caves that have enough volume to necessitate my entire arm.  So enjoy the uncontrollable pussy spit running down your leg when your lips are too expanded to perform their sealant duties.

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Jesus age fucking christ I’m tired of faggots.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people.  I’m sure the ones I don’t know are great, at least some of them.  Hell, I bet they even give a mean blowjob, which makes everything that much more tempting, but holy fuck some of you flaming queers need to stop advertising your shit around.

I fucking get it already, you’re gay.  You work, sleep, suck dicks, it’s cool, but I don’t want to fucking hear about it.  You don’t need to run around posting fliers, wearing obnoxious costumes and making everything stop in place to hear you say, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”.  Yes, you’re gay, and we don’t give a shit either.

Do you see me running down the streets screaming, “I love pussy!  I’m so fucking straight!! Look at me fuck my girlfriend like a $3 whore!”  No.  Why the fuck would I?  People don’t give two shits if I’m gay or straight.  Why would they?  It’s not like there’s a man taking a census running around the streets, “Ummm, excuse me sir, I have a question for the national census for you…Are you gay or straight?” If that happened, I’d probably make that motherfucker eat a curb sammich.

But you chocolate speedway freaks take this to a whole new level.  You’ve got yourself bars, gay bars.  And you call them gay bars.  And you know what, it stops the straight man from attending such a place, leaving you fags in the dark.  Yeah, all you’ve got now is a bar in which straights drive by and say, “Look at all the fucking fairies.  Bunch of fags.”  You’re standing yourself out to where nobody can stand you.  And you fucking wonder why there’s so much gay bashing still.

Sure the Christians are still having a tough time adapting, but they wouldn’t have any place to go if they didn’t know where you were.  “GAY BAR!!” kinda screams, “PICKET HERE!!”, and then the Christians with their unforgiving values stop their meaningless lives, line up and call you faggots.  Awwwwww, they called you a name, now yell back at them as you’re dressed in your sparkly clothes, dresses and costumes.  Halloween everyday, free candy! Trick or dick in your ass?

To make it even worse, you cock farmers have parades.  Gay pride parades.  Why in the HELL do you need to fucking parade yourselves around in public, announcing how gay you are?  Do you see me holding a rainbow colored sign, walking the streets, stopping traffic, with hundreds of my straight buddies, expressing how much it is our right to be straight?  No.  Because nobody gives a shit.  If we don’t know you’re gay or hear about it, we generally don’t give a fuck what you do with your dick as long as it’s not pressed against us.

You see, faggots, the problem isn’t us, it’s you.  You publicizing everything.  It’s too much for the straights to handle.  Hell, I think even some of the gays are upset with it too.  Enough is enough, god damnit.  You want to bring that shit in my face, I’m going to tear it down.  Trust me, I don’t hate gays, but I hate bragging.  If I see you fucking queers parading around ever again, I’m going ass rape you with a tire iron and make you wish you hadn’t gone gay publicly to give me that idea.  Just let it fucking be, ladies.

“Thank you for calling [company name here], [insert slogan].  Press 1 for cable tv support.  Press 2 for high speed internet support.  Press 3 for telephone support.  Para Espanol, oprima numero ocho.”

This is the same thing I hear, over and over.  But what’s driving my mind is why?  Why the fuck do I have to hear that?  Why the fuck is there the option for “ocho”?  And what the fuck is an ocho?  Is ocho like one of those candy bars with  a blend of orange and 6 types of chocolate?

Alright, some of you morons are already thinking, “OMG He doesn’t know what Spanish is!  Haha what an idiot!”  Yeah, as if you are dumb enough to believe that I lack any sort of cultural diversity just because I’m a sexy beast.  Of course I know what Spanish is, hell, I even speak some of the language.  But I’m still not sure why I had to learn it as a child.

Let me show you an example of where I grew up:

(See bottom.  For some fucking reason, wordpress is fighting me today and is refusing me to use any sort of formatting that I want.)

Do you see how close International Falls is to the Canadian border?  My bedroom window currently faces Canada.  I’m so close that if I were jerking off and stood up, I could blow a juicy cock-bomb all over Canadian soil.  Now why is it, in high school, we were required to learn a language but were only given two options: German and Spanish.  Obviously bi-lingual Franco-phonic Canada isn’t close enough to recognize that we might visit there sometime in our lives.  No, they give us the southern option on the northern border, Spanish.  Why?  Well I’m thinking that Canada es mucho grande fiesta.  Then again, I might be wrong.

But this is all beside the point.  We live in a country that’s national language is listed as English.  Let me say that again for those of you who don’t read the English language too well.  We live in a country that’s national language is listed as English.  Why is it that in our country, we’re catering our services to another language?  Wouldn’t you think, if you went to a country that’s primary language wasn’t English, that you’d have to learn their native tongue?

But nooooo, in the United States of we’re a bunch of bitches, we give the option to everyone.  And because we are a nation of such diversity, we must cater to the millions of aliens, immigrants and other assholes who just plain refuse to learn out language.  If I go to Mexico, I’m not fucking walking around down there looking for a hamburger if I don’t know what to call it.  By the time I get done motioning around, trying to play pictionary with someone who doesn’t speak my language, I’ve earned myself a 200 peso rat-ka-bob.  Sounds delicious…

But these fuckers come to our country begging we take it easy on them, because they WANTED to be in OUR country where we SPEAK ENGLISH!  For instance, little Paco jumped the fence, found his way to San Diego and now populates the streets.  But Paco can’t speak a work of English.  So instead of finding steady work(which we know the American citizens are more than willing to hire assholes who’ll work for 2.50/hr) he meanders his way to the Home Depot parking lot, hoping to find a roof to fix or deck to build.  Paco packs up with a half dozen or better other immigrants who have the same issue, in where there’s always a group leader who understands English enough to bargain a $75 day for a truck full of them.

This is absolutely ridiculous, because the giant coporations, with tech support, are feeding the damned cause.  They’re giving the option for the citizens who don’t speak English to receive their help in other languages.  Ok, in the case of some corps, I’m sure they have divisions in Latin America that would cater to their customers who don’t reside on U.S. soil, but that’s a legitimate excuse.  I’m talking about the exclusive companies, the phones, the internets, the cables…you know, the necessities.

As if we’re not giving the aliens enough of a break by not throwing 100,000 volts to the fence…but would that really be such a bad idea for our economy?  I know I could do with a few less aliens filling up the job market, using up our resources and flooding our cities.  Hell, if there were a rebellion, I’d lead the fucker myself, just warrant me a license to kill and I’ll be fine.

What are we really trying to do here when we’re allowing millions of immigrants illegally into our country?  Did you know nearly a half of a million Mexicans “jump the fence” each year?  That’s nearly 1400 per day.  3 days worth and they could double the population of my shitty hometown.  Why not clear a huge reserve for the illegal immigrants in Montana, let them sit out there, colonize and populate underneath Alberta and Saskatchewan.

They’d have that place built up like little Cuba, trying to grow drugs and shit.  Then, for a training exercise, let the S.W.A.T.s, the Border Patrols, the Customs, anyone else who has a gun and reason to raid, jump up in that fucking reserve, bust the hell out of everyone and destroy all the drugs.  It’d be cheap fucking training…and REAL training, none of this simulator bullshit.  After all the dust settled, the few remaining would begin to rebuild their shit and we’d dump off another half million aliens to help.

It’s the ultimate solution folks, and a morbid form of entertainment.  Hell, I’d buy a dozen aliens at a time for target practice if the government would let me.  Shit, offer me a bulk deal and I might even feed the fuckers before I wax ‘em.  If any of you work for the government and have a connection to do so, feel free to email me.  I’ve got to get away from notepad now, it’s 3:20am and I feel angry after all this thinking.  I’m going to go take a kitten in one hand and a brick in the other and clap vigorously until my anger is gone.