Do any of you remember the first Six Flags opened up back in ‘61 in Texas and was powered by nothing but orphan midgets held captive in tupperware containers then to only grow up to be the Cleveland Cavaliers?  Neither do I.  But it happened and it’s real.

I think a lot of you need to brush up on your fucking history.  And being that I’m such a history nut, I’m going to help you beef up your knowledge of the past.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Lesson #1:  Hitler was not a bad man.  No, he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t even involved in WWII.  Adolf Hitler was a Lithuanian refugee during the time of the 2nd world war and spent most of his days helping invent crotchless panties.  In his spare time Adolf enjoyed papercrafting and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #2:  Mother Teresa = prostitute.  You fuckers can’t be serious when you believe the filthy whore was a fucking saint.  That bitch did nothing but suck off Indians for decades, then she assumes we should all just hand her some peace prizes and such.  Frankly that posing bitch did nothing but whore herself out like Lindsay Lohan at an open bar.  In her spare time Mother Teresa could be found surfing off the Maui shores and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #3:  Rome WAS built in a day.  Give up on all those fucking closed minded shitsuckers who believe that Rome took hundreds to thousands of years to build.  That’s bullshit.  One day this fucking guy sat down in the middle of his village and said, “Listen up fuckheads, I’m in charge and I’m naming my land Rome.  Shut the fuck up and like it.  Rice and venison in the mess hall tonight.”  Tada.  Rome was built in less than a day, moments to be exact.  A lot of strange habits were then formed, lap dances and flashing the elderly, for instance.

Lesson #4:  You.  You were born.  Too bad you’re a piece of shit.

So there I was, naked, my sexy body glistening under the combined 260watts of the vanity, listening to the soft, constant pour of water rattling off fiberglass.  The wind was calm, there was no turning back, I had to make my move.  I slowly pulled back the curtain, stepped in and, closed the curtain behind me.  The water began to rain down upon my body, hot as it rolled off my skin.  My muscles were tight, the steaming shower flexed them on my every move.  Then I decided to change the settings.

Now my shower head is not unlike others, it has your standard “rain” mode and 2-3 others.  Mine has 4 overall.  Each mode represents the pressure/feed of the water coming through.  The modes on my shower happen to be as follows:  Mist, Rain, M16, Sniper.

Firstly, there’s the wimpy “Mist” mode, which is used in situations where the homeowner is a penny pinching fucktard and doesn’t want to pay more than $1.93 this month for water.  This mode is the lightest of water pressures and pretty much serves no purpose in any bathing situation.  If you owned a lot of fresh produce, this setting would be ideal for keeping your veggies fresh.  This is definitely not a manly pressure setting.

The second setting on the list is what I like to call “Rain” mode.  This is your standard, more common setting for all showers.  It takes a medium pressure, keeps a steady flow and pretty much does the job when it comes to cleansing, rinsing, anal-bleaching…you get the point.  This is also the preferred setting for most applications which explore a woman’s(and sometimes the occasional fruitcake’s) curious bathroom adventures.  And by that I mean, well, if I really have to use metaphors for shower head masturbation, washing the ol’ love-tunnel.

Without a doubt, my least favorite setting, is the “M16″ option.  I call it this because of the way the shower head will pump off 3-round bursts of needle-sharp, piercing, light speed water bullets, similar to the firing action of an M16 assault rifle.  I use this setting if I’m defending my bathroom against intruders, especially armed robbers.  Ok, maybe I lied, it’s usually just me having a fantasy about being a spy/hero type, defending my country against terrorists and bad guys, as I shoot my imaginary assault rifle off across my bathroom, which is dreamed to be a highly secured vault, killing everything in sight, which happens to be me knocking over shampoo bottles, deodorant, hair spray(yes, it’s a manly hair product, shut the fuck up), razors, beer bottles, etc.  M16 mode is also a handy feature if you have a pet walrus and are trying to clean his tusks.

Finally, and certainly not the option you want to ignore or forget, is “sniper” mode.  Sniper mode should only be used in emergency situations where your life is at stake or you have a project that requires sand water blasting.  When activated, a constant laser stream of scalding water, with deadly accuracy, literally drilling through any target in the hydraulic scope which has now lifted from the shower head mechanism.  The government and hardware stores don’t want you to know this, but any shower head with sniper mode is rated as a precision diamond and precious stone cutter.

After the last 3 hospital visits, from loss of limb(s), blood and consciousness, I’ve Pollock-rigged the settings choice making dial thingy to only the first 2 settings.  I cannot stress enough how I really hate having my shower ruined by a sudden loss of red body juice. Those of you who have experienced similar situations, I feel your pain and I know what you’re going through, don’t worry, the skin will grow back eventually.  In the meantime, fuck yourself.