I donated to charity today. Unfortunately they do not accept semen at the American Red Cross.

Bail is set at $250.

Alright, it’s 6am and I’m bored.  Well, not exactly 6am, but somewhere in that area.  You know what, fuck you, quit judging me.  This is my blog, fucko.

Anywho, so I was thinking, this keyboard fucking sucks.  Wait, no.  Uhhh, forget that.  I was thinking about this fucking broad I talked to the other day.  Not just any broad, but a call center employee at Frontier.  Not that it’s that important, but her voice was hot.  Not just like radio DJ hot, but like hang a shirt over the tv on the Playboy channel hot.  That kind of a sexy voice.

This voice was so enjoyable that I felt the need to make pointless passes at her…even though I wasn’t planning on purchasing any products or services.  After countless minutes of jokes and sexual innuendos, I began to wonder about her physical appearance.  Then I started picturing Michael Flatley.   It wasn’t long before I got back to images of sexy women who I had not yet encountered or vigorously flogged the dolphin to late in the afternoon behind the gas station parking lot on stolen wi-fi.

After a few brown-eyed brunettes cycled through, I was struck with something a little different.  What, exactly?  A flood of hideous beasts only suitable for a buffet line.  You know the types, the hairy, 5ft, 300lb, mole faced trolls that smell like a combination of rotten orange juice and cat piss. The kind of woman who will consume every snack in your home if you excuse yourself to piss.  The one who will always order extra sides when you take her for ice cream.  Frightening.

Then I started to think about all the chicks with super sexy voices.  They’re all ugly.  All of them.  But why?  Is it the masses of lard around the-Hold that fucking thought, Saved by the Bell just came on.  Oh fucking snap.-wind pipe?  Maybe the diet coke and pastry diet has created a sort of smooth tunnel for the voice to mold to.  It’s got to be one of those, god damnit!

At any rate, I for one am starting a petition that-hold on, chicks in bikinis.  Fucking Saved by the Bell in Hawaii-will include a demand to mail me current nude catalogs of all ultra-hot-voiced call center employees who also share the irregular sexy(by manly standards) appearance.  So what that means, if you can’t keep up with my idiocy, is that I want to see the sexy chicks with sexy voices who answer the phones at giant corporations, nude, in a catalog, on a monthly basis.  No questions ask.

Who’s with me?

Ok, time for some serious conversation.  I love a good retard.  And even more, I love a pair of retards.  It’s best when the 2 retards are a couple, in a relationship and all that jazz.  I love to see them out in public, acting like they’re not the outcome of severe inbreeding.  I especially love it when the crazy fuckers are shouting, almost in tongues, retard obscenities that can only be described as moose mating calls. But what tops it all is what I witnessed today.

There I was, putting cake mix into a cart, when I turned to see another cart pulling around the end of the aisle. I noticed the items in this cart and I was intrigued. It looked like 6 or 7 bags of Funyuns. I thought to myself, “Cool. Someone’s having a party!” This was not the case. The cart continued along and I continued to look upon the booty these shoppers had selected. 2 or 3 more bags of Funyuns and 5 bags of Potato Skins. Then the cart comes 100% into plain view and there was the end of the “party” items…a half dozen boxes of Little Debbie heart shaped snacks.

Then I saw it. The shoppers. The consumers. The full blown, out-and-about, retards in the flesh. They were fueling this cart of junk food and it was frightening. But I calmed, I figured they had their heads on and were just having a small downs-party at their place or some shit. So I began to mind my own business for the time being.

Moments later I’m in line with my cart of necessities and the drooling shitpantsers were in the lane next to me and I overheard the following conversation:

Cashier: Ooooh is someone having a party?
Male Tard: No.
Female Tard: This is our food for the week. Todd likes Funyuns and I like potatoes.
Cashier: Well that’s cool.

This threw me into another dimension. I was floored by the fact that my first assumption that retards, errr the mentally handifucked, were really too stupid to do their own shopping, was in fact accurate and correct. At this point I’m trying to hold my laughter back because I can’t believe that these dipshits were able to survive for so long on nothing but Funyuns and Potato Skins. Obviously I had missed out on some shit.

So for the next 2 weeks I’m eating nothing but Funyuns, Potato Skins, Little Debbies and beer. Of course the beer is a must do because as we all know, massive consumption of alcohol makes anyone retarded. It’s only fair that I play by the rules.

I promised I’d write some more blogs, but I’m too fucking busy watching Season 2 of Dragnet and working a bit.  No, shut the fuck up, I’m not employed, but I do still work on some shit when I’m not blogging or ignoring life.

That having been said, I have a couple of confessions to make…beer and I had sex last week and we’re expecting a child.  If any of you have a problem with it I strongly suggest you spread your cheeks and make an open invite for my foot.  Beer and I are in love and we’re going to continue making babies until beer can’t pop out anymore of my offspring.

The second confession involves myself, all of you, and anal sex.  It’s been concluded in my studies that anal sex is 100% loved by everyone.  If you’re sitting still with concerned eyes thinking, “Anal is icky!” then pay very close attention, you’re about to be enlightened.

Ever sit down in the bathroom, dropping the deuce and relaxing?  I have too.  In fact, I shit so often I make many observations during the act, one of which I am bringing to you right now.  If you’re a person who doesn’t like anal, isn’t sure about anal or just plain homophobic, this blog is for you.

Take a shit, go on, do it, I’ll wait.  Now that you’ve released the demons, tell me how it felt.  If you haven’t noticed, take another shit.  During the bowel movement you’ll notice that the satisfactory feeling is EXACTLY the same as that of an orgasm…and when it’s all done, it feels about the same.

Don’t believe me?  Go have sex, then after sex take a personal note about how you felt right after climax.  Recognize anything?  Exactly the same after shitting.  Amazing!

All of that aside, it’s proof adding towards my observation that everyone loves anal.  Why would shitting feel so good and similar if it wasn’t the same?  Think about it, shitting IS anal.  Duh.  So next time you bitches complain about us men wanting to take a drive down the chocolate speedway, remember that it’s just like taking a shit…in reverse.