Now lay on your stomach.  Notice the winning lotto numbers don’t fall anywhere near the jackpot?  Also notice that you NEVER snore in that position?

The simple math is simple.  SIMPLE.  Your asshole is a vent for excess air.  Obviously when it’s plugged or blocked by your manliness, it forces a discharge to erupt from your mouth with every breath.  It’s science and as we all know, science is important stuff. 

So I challenge you fellas, if anyone is complaining about your snoring, take the test.  Before you go to bed next, take some duct tape and tape your giggle berries away from your brown eye, see if it stops the snoring.  Either that or smack the bitch and tell her to stfu or gtfo.

Dear idiot father,
You’re a piece of shit.  Thanks for ruining the airwaves by not kicking the piss out of your hideous, pregnant wife at least 3 times each hour.  Please eat the nearest moving bus to compensate for the agony you have put my ears through.

Sincerely,

Servo.

From this moment forward, in this blog, due to the absolute annoyance it is to say, write and read her name, Lady GaGa will now be renamed to Omar.  Don’t email or comment asking who the hell Omar is.  If you didn’t read this paragraph and piece together the oh so vital information, then you should probably join Omar’s father in the bus buffet.

Omar has the looks of a 12 year old boy born with fetal alcohol syndrome caked over with a bucket of chalk.  Omar’s attire is carefully chosen by a combination of sugar-high disabled children and the Olympic gymnastics team.  Topped off by something random out of Prince’s closet.  This look for Omar can only be described as a fucking mess.  Pants and a wigs that fit are never an option.

In addition to Omar’s physical flaws, there’s also the singer/songwriter flaws.  Such as Omar’s constant obsession with repeating himself over and over again.  I understood the fact that I had to just dance once, but I didn’t think there was someone dumb enough, who actually finished the song, to need to be reinstructed 460 times during a 3 minute session.  The s-s-s-s-stuttering doesn’t appeal to the ear either.  Puh puh puh puh poke her face with a fucking brick.

As for you who enjoy Omar’s music, how are you still managing to breathe?  It amazes me that people like you haven’t died from a severe overdose of being the dumbest fucks on earth.  Is it just me or do my tax dollars pay for most of the assistance you receive each morning putting your clothes on, bathing, eating, wiping your ass and taking you for a walk so you can loudly hum incoherent messages and the squirrel in the tree?  Do us a favor and lick the electrical socket.

As an example of how we’re being raped by the very people who are dependent on us, I’d like to set up a small series of imaginary situations.

Example #1:  If you handed a bum, who begged you for money, $5 and watched him get into his Bentley, drive to his private jet, fly off to his 16 million dollar home only to pack for his trip to his 450 acre, fully staffed, private ranch before his trip to his exclusive oceanfront condo in the Cayman Islands, you’d be pretty pissed, right?

Example #2:  Your friend asks you to loan him $100, explaining that he can’t afford to pay his bills.  You loan him the money.  Later that evening you catch him blowing it at the titty bar on the fat stripper.

Example #3:  You’re being held down against your own will taking 14″ of cock in the ass while you’re forced to watch your significant other willingly sleep with someone else.  To top things off your dog died, your father came out of the closet and your car’s been stolen.

Explain to me why you’re not pissed right now, you stupid fucks.  Why shouldn’t any of us be pissed off at the economy and government at the moment?  They’re lending out billions to trillions of our taxpayer dollars to fuckheads who already have millions and refuse to sacrifice anything, yet we sit here and pay the bill.

Listen here, gov, instead of giving these millionaire fucksticks a few more billion to play around with, why not give it to the people who these companies depend on?  I’m not sure if you notice or not, but giving money to a giant corporation out of the taxpayer pockets is still not going to solve the problem.  Why?  BECAUSE WE ARE THE FUCKING CONSUMERS.  Do you even fucking know what that means?  We buy the shit.  Duh.   We, not them.  How are we going to buy shit that we already can’t afford if you’re giving away our money?

Give the money to us.  If you keep giving money to the corporations they’re going to keep failing.  No matter how much you give to them, they’re not going to buy their own products and keep their own business going.  No way.  Besides, why are you bailing them out anyway?  You should have just told the fucks to drop their prices, sacrifice their millions in assets, take a pay-cut and come down to the level of the rest of America.

And that makes me wonder, how would the executives survive on $40,000/yr?  It’s unbelievable that anyone could live without a pool, BMW or maid service.  Do you realize how hard it is to clean a toilet bowl?  Physicists have been trying to figure it out for years, it’s a fucking science all in its own!

And one more thing with the fucking economy, what the fuck is with all the excess news and media coverage on topics such as Martha Stewart’s dog dying in a propane explosion?  I’m sure there’s more important topics to cover.  This just in, Martha Stewart’s dog has died.  Stay tuned for 24/7 coverage of this breaking news.

I think a lot of you need to brush up on your fucking history.  And being that I’m such a history nut, I’m going to help you beef up your knowledge of the past.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Lesson #1:  Hitler was not a bad man.  No, he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t even involved in WWII.  Adolf Hitler was a Lithuanian refugee during the time of the 2nd world war and spent most of his days helping invent crotchless panties.  In his spare time Adolf enjoyed papercrafting and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #2:  Mother Teresa = prostitute.  You fuckers can’t be serious when you believe the filthy whore was a fucking saint.  That bitch did nothing but suck off Indians for decades, then she assumes we should all just hand her some peace prizes and such.  Frankly that posing bitch did nothing but whore herself out like Lindsay Lohan at an open bar.  In her spare time Mother Teresa could be found surfing off the Maui shores and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #3:  Rome WAS built in a day.  Give up on all those fucking closed minded shitsuckers who believe that Rome took hundreds to thousands of years to build.  That’s bullshit.  One day this fucking guy sat down in the middle of his village and said, “Listen up fuckheads, I’m in charge and I’m naming my land Rome.  Shut the fuck up and like it.  Rice and venison in the mess hall tonight.”  Tada.  Rome was built in less than a day, moments to be exact.  A lot of strange habits were then formed, lap dances and flashing the elderly, for instance.

Lesson #4:  You.  You were born.  Too bad you’re a piece of shit.

Sex toys are so much more than just a hole stretcher for women, but a sign that us men have a better chance of scoring.  If I’m in some crazy bitch’s apartment and I see her coot-diddler sitting out somewhere, I instantly know that she’s willing to take a dick.  I also know that she’s loose, so I have to make compensation adjustments by using her bathroom and vigorously searching for hair ties.  Actually, forget I said that.

At any rate, rubber dicks are the best thing that could happen to man.  We no longer have to guess by the cross necklace or count partners by the number of holes in her jeans.  Nope, we just calculate how slutty she is based on how many toys she has.   Also how many times she blows you while you’re out to dinner.

Things like dildos aren’t the only tell-tales.  Crotchless panties, whips, swings and adult film contracts are only a few of the other items that help expose a woman’s sexuality.  For instance, the more pornos she’s been in, the less likely you are to have sex.  Seriously, she’s seen all shapes and sizes, so unless you have platypus growing off your wedding tackle, she’d probably rather watch water evaporate than sleep with you.

So ladies with toys, I salute you.  I salute you as a man who can now easily recognize which of you are easy lays and which of you have crotch caves that have enough volume to necessitate my entire arm.  So enjoy the uncontrollable pussy spit running down your leg when your lips are too expanded to perform their sealant duties.

*This blog is sponsored by Gina at PureRomance. Check her out for all your vaginal stretching devices and more! Don’t forget, mention ServoLive at the time of purchase and earn me free, uber-kinky, intercourse. Act now!

Bail is set at $250.

Anywho, so I was thinking, this keyboard fucking sucks.  Wait, no.  Uhhh, forget that.  I was thinking about this fucking broad I talked to the other day.  Not just any broad, but a call center employee at Frontier.  Not that it’s that important, but her voice was hot.  Not just like radio DJ hot, but like hang a shirt over the tv on the Playboy channel hot.  That kind of a sexy voice.

This voice was so enjoyable that I felt the need to make pointless passes at her…even though I wasn’t planning on purchasing any products or services.  After countless minutes of jokes and sexual innuendos, I began to wonder about her physical appearance.  Then I started picturing Michael Flatley.   It wasn’t long before I got back to images of sexy women who I had not yet encountered or vigorously flogged the dolphin to late in the afternoon behind the gas station parking lot on stolen wi-fi.

After a few brown-eyed brunettes cycled through, I was struck with something a little different.  What, exactly?  A flood of hideous beasts only suitable for a buffet line.  You know the types, the hairy, 5ft, 300lb, mole faced trolls that smell like a combination of rotten orange juice and cat piss. The kind of woman who will consume every snack in your home if you excuse yourself to piss.  The one who will always order extra sides when you take her for ice cream.  Frightening.

Then I started to think about all the chicks with super sexy voices.  They’re all ugly.  All of them.  But why?  Is it the masses of lard around the-Hold that fucking thought, Saved by the Bell just came on.  Oh fucking snap.-wind pipe?  Maybe the diet coke and pastry diet has created a sort of smooth tunnel for the voice to mold to.  It’s got to be one of those, god damnit!

At any rate, I for one am starting a petition that-hold on, chicks in bikinis.  Fucking Saved by the Bell in Hawaii-will include a demand to mail me current nude catalogs of all ultra-hot-voiced call center employees who also share the irregular sexy(by manly standards) appearance.  So what that means, if you can’t keep up with my idiocy, is that I want to see the sexy chicks with sexy voices who answer the phones at giant corporations, nude, in a catalog, on a monthly basis.  No questions ask.

Who’s with me?