Real men don’t defend themselves.  A real man never has to defend in a fight because a real man would have started the fight in an offensive position from the get-go.  What do I mean?  Let’s say for example I’m sitting in a bar and some guy next to me orders a light beer, I’d bicycle kick this man with the fury of Lu Kang, using his teeth as pedals before he even has a chance to finish his sentence.  Why?  Because if you don’t take an earlier offensive position, everyone will know how much of a bitch you are and you will never be considered a full man from that point forward.

If you or your friends should ever experience a situation where you think someone deserves a beat down, administer it long before anyone else gets the bright idea.  Being the first is always the manliest way to earn points and get laid.  Don’t believe me?  Chew on this following example for a moment while I prepare to sucker punch the back of your head.

It’s the holidays, you’re a man, you’re at your family’s holiday dinner by force.  You don’t need nor want to be there, but you show anyways for the free meal, not to reminisce about how cute babies were and how dumb children are, you don’t care because you’re a man and you’re hungry.  You’re there for 2 things, meat and booze, and lots of it.

So it’s dinner time, everyone wants to say grace, but you know better.  Unexpectedly, you bust out a window and threaten your uncle with part of the broken glass to stop preaching in your presence, then you continue to eat.  As the food is being passed around(which I must add as a side note, this is stupid, real men don’t pass food, they take food) your grandmother, who just desperately needs to sit next to you during all events, decides to pyramid an architectural disaster of beans and cooked vegetables on your plate.  So you roundhouse kick her in the face two or three times and watch as she tips over sideways in her chair dragging her plate of gravy and potatoes on top of her.

You’re a man, that’s a legal move.  Nobody decides what you eat, ever.  It’s science.  If I wanted to eat a phallic, elf-cock looking vegetable, I’d gnaw off one of TV’s Corky Thatcher’s legs.  And I’d use a lot of Tabasco on it too.  After I was finished, I’d probably make a dramatic example by bringing back the show Life Goes On and replacing Corky Thatcher’s character with the corpse of Christopher Reeves.  That would show the world, near and far, that even the most lifeless and untalented of creatures can still have more entertainment value than a screaming handicapped.

Most of you are thinking, “But Servo, that’s so sadistic and unrealistic.  Why would you even think something like that?”  Think?  Fuck you, I act.  You think this is a game, that being a man is something you should take for granted?  A man is not a man without first setting dramatic examples, even if it means busting your grandmother in the chops to show the surrounding horde who the alpha male is.  If we don’t set the bar, nobody will.  You as men have to realize this.  It’s about the courage to do what is necessary to keep your profile as a man.  If someone believes you are weak in any way, no matter who, thump them until they become believers.  The true road to success starts with pain.