So this morning I woke up, did my usual gruntly exorcism style wake-up, you know that routine, when you awaken and just man-grunt like someone has dropped bricks on your chest while you were bench pressing 13metric tonnes. Yeah. From there I continued on to the bathroom, because pissing first thing in the morning is a fairly consistent science with my body. As I was pissing, I noticed something was wrong. I was urinating vanilla pudding.

I have found that pudding piss may be a problem in my daily routines, especially during my morning and nighttime urination processes. It seems that because the pudding is a lot thicker than my normal urine, it takes an absurdly long time to pass in comparison. I’ve considered seeking medical assistance, or at least guidance, to solve this problem, but it’s a little embarrassing.

What would I say to a doctor? “Dude, my piss is no longer piss. It’s pudding!” I don’t think that would go over with anything more than a laugh and a, “Uhhh, you should leave now, weirdo.”

What if it’s an STD? Did I pick something up from a hooker in my dreams? Maybe this is a disease I picked up a couple years ago in Fargo and just now started showing its effects on my body? Hell, I could have picked it up off a toilet seat last weekend for all I know. What if like back splatter from a urinal splashed my dick unknowingly covered in puddingherpes?!

I think the explanation is obvious though. Bill Cosby raped me while I slept.