I like my whiskey like I like my women, in a bottle and made out of whiskey.

I might be an alcoholic.

Well because a shitload of people have asked me, “What do you want for your birthday?” I’ve decided to respond in the form of a blog. Frankly, I’m tired of hearing it. Most people know what I want, but they don’t normally listen. Others are just confused. Then there’s the select few who want me to beg and tell them rather than they acting on impulse and doing what they feel. Yeah, I’m being a bitch about this.

To begin I’d like to cover the things I don’t want. Stuffed animals and plants. They’re about as useful as dead batteries. I also could care less for any watercrafts that don’t float. Boats are meant to be above water, the fuck will I do with one that can’t meet that requirement? And NO, I’m not joking here folks, absolutely NO scale models of a meat packing plant.

Thinking of more and more, there are many material things I could use. Most of which are off the scale in price and availability. Such as my own country. I could really use that, I mean I would be awesome at running my own country, people would build shrines of me. That would be kickass. Any car or SUV worth more than $75,000 would also be an appreciated gift.

Beyond those, there are things like the guitar I’ve been trying to acquire all year, a Nikon D80 camera, Crown Royal Reserve whiskey w/ mixers(Redbull + Liquid Ice), lapdances, In & Out burger, Xbox 360…etc. Those are just the minor things. A few TB Seagate harddrives would work well too.

Naturally I don’t expect much off that list besides the booze and lapdances, but I can dream, can’t I? I know there’s a few of you out there who’re going to end up enjoying the booze with me, so let’s make the best of it! To the rest of you, shut the fuck up, I don’t want your hand-me-down dinette sets and used underwear. Wait, ladies, yes I do. Send me panties!

It’s things like this that really make me giggle in the mornings.

Tuna is the chicken of the sea, the manatee is the sea-cow, finally there’s the sea-horse.  What the fuck?  Let fish be fish!!! They don’t need any agricultural designations.  Has anyone else noticed this shit?  IT’S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!

Yeah, catfish don’t count.  No, they don’t.  Quit fucking arguing me, assholes, I’m totally right here.