Do any of you remember the first Six Flags opened up back in ‘61 in Texas and was powered by nothing but orphan midgets held captive in tupperware containers then to only grow up to be the Cleveland Cavaliers?  Neither do I.  But it happened and it’s real.

I think a lot of you need to brush up on your fucking history.  And being that I’m such a history nut, I’m going to help you beef up your knowledge of the past.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Lesson #1:  Hitler was not a bad man.  No, he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t even involved in WWII.  Adolf Hitler was a Lithuanian refugee during the time of the 2nd world war and spent most of his days helping invent crotchless panties.  In his spare time Adolf enjoyed papercrafting and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #2:  Mother Teresa = prostitute.  You fuckers can’t be serious when you believe the filthy whore was a fucking saint.  That bitch did nothing but suck off Indians for decades, then she assumes we should all just hand her some peace prizes and such.  Frankly that posing bitch did nothing but whore herself out like Lindsay Lohan at an open bar.  In her spare time Mother Teresa could be found surfing off the Maui shores and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #3:  Rome WAS built in a day.  Give up on all those fucking closed minded shitsuckers who believe that Rome took hundreds to thousands of years to build.  That’s bullshit.  One day this fucking guy sat down in the middle of his village and said, “Listen up fuckheads, I’m in charge and I’m naming my land Rome.  Shut the fuck up and like it.  Rice and venison in the mess hall tonight.”  Tada.  Rome was built in less than a day, moments to be exact.  A lot of strange habits were then formed, lap dances and flashing the elderly, for instance.

Lesson #4:  You.  You were born.  Too bad you’re a piece of shit.

I love a broad with a dildo.  Seriously.  Nothing screams, “I’m a horned up freak who wants something phallic at least 40 times a week” like a chick with a drawer filled with plastic cocks.  And men like that.  Take it from me, I’m a man.  A man who appreciates a woman who’s willing to take 8″ of any of the multiple choice answers: plastic rod, broom handle, television remote, shampoo bottle, fist to elbow, deer antler.

Sex toys are so much more than just a hole stretcher for women, but a sign that us men have a better chance of scoring.  If I’m in some crazy bitch’s apartment and I see her coot-diddler sitting out somewhere, I instantly know that she’s willing to take a dick.  I also know that she’s loose, so I have to make compensation adjustments by using her bathroom and vigorously searching for hair ties.  Actually, forget I said that.

At any rate, rubber dicks are the best thing that could happen to man.  We no longer have to guess by the cross necklace or count partners by the number of holes in her jeans.  Nope, we just calculate how slutty she is based on how many toys she has.   Also how many times she blows you while you’re out to dinner.

Things like dildos aren’t the only tell-tales.  Crotchless panties, whips, swings and adult film contracts are only a few of the other items that help expose a woman’s sexuality.  For instance, the more pornos she’s been in, the less likely you are to have sex.  Seriously, she’s seen all shapes and sizes, so unless you have platypus growing off your wedding tackle, she’d probably rather watch water evaporate than sleep with you.

So ladies with toys, I salute you.  I salute you as a man who can now easily recognize which of you are easy lays and which of you have crotch caves that have enough volume to necessitate my entire arm.  So enjoy the uncontrollable pussy spit running down your leg when your lips are too expanded to perform their sealant duties.

*This blog is sponsored by Gina at PureRomance. Check her out for all your vaginal stretching devices and more! Don’t forget, mention ServoLive at the time of purchase and earn me free, uber-kinky, intercourse. Act now!

I donated to charity today. Unfortunately they do not accept semen at the American Red Cross.

Bail is set at $250.

Alright, it’s 6am and I’m bored.  Well, not exactly 6am, but somewhere in that area.  You know what, fuck you, quit judging me.  This is my blog, fucko.

Anywho, so I was thinking, this keyboard fucking sucks.  Wait, no.  Uhhh, forget that.  I was thinking about this fucking broad I talked to the other day.  Not just any broad, but a call center employee at Frontier.  Not that it’s that important, but her voice was hot.  Not just like radio DJ hot, but like hang a shirt over the tv on the Playboy channel hot.  That kind of a sexy voice.

This voice was so enjoyable that I felt the need to make pointless passes at her…even though I wasn’t planning on purchasing any products or services.  After countless minutes of jokes and sexual innuendos, I began to wonder about her physical appearance.  Then I started picturing Michael Flatley.   It wasn’t long before I got back to images of sexy women who I had not yet encountered or vigorously flogged the dolphin to late in the afternoon behind the gas station parking lot on stolen wi-fi.

After a few brown-eyed brunettes cycled through, I was struck with something a little different.  What, exactly?  A flood of hideous beasts only suitable for a buffet line.  You know the types, the hairy, 5ft, 300lb, mole faced trolls that smell like a combination of rotten orange juice and cat piss. The kind of woman who will consume every snack in your home if you excuse yourself to piss.  The one who will always order extra sides when you take her for ice cream.  Frightening.

Then I started to think about all the chicks with super sexy voices.  They’re all ugly.  All of them.  But why?  Is it the masses of lard around the-Hold that fucking thought, Saved by the Bell just came on.  Oh fucking snap.-wind pipe?  Maybe the diet coke and pastry diet has created a sort of smooth tunnel for the voice to mold to.  It’s got to be one of those, god damnit!

At any rate, I for one am starting a petition that-hold on, chicks in bikinis.  Fucking Saved by the Bell in Hawaii-will include a demand to mail me current nude catalogs of all ultra-hot-voiced call center employees who also share the irregular sexy(by manly standards) appearance.  So what that means, if you can’t keep up with my idiocy, is that I want to see the sexy chicks with sexy voices who answer the phones at giant corporations, nude, in a catalog, on a monthly basis.  No questions ask.

Who’s with me?