Today I decided was a good day to hit up the beach.  I had a lot of fun.  Here’s a picture of me with all my friends.

Today I am a little uneven about the whole economy.  It’s not my fault it’s failing, so why am I the one who’s suffering?  Fuck, if a car that’s “bigger, faster, better” didn’t cost me $35,000, I might just buy one.  But is that my fault?  No.  That’s none of our faults.  I have a car, it’s a pile of shit, but it was affordable.  Yet these automotive companies wander around aimlessly trying to figure out why they have no money and are near bankrupt.  Banks, you’re part of this perpetual assfuck too.

As an example of how we’re being raped by the very people who are dependent on us, I’d like to set up a small series of imaginary situations.

Example #1:  If you handed a bum, who begged you for money, $5 and watched him get into his Bentley, drive to his private jet, fly off to his 16 million dollar home only to pack for his trip to his 450 acre, fully staffed, private ranch before his trip to his exclusive oceanfront condo in the Cayman Islands, you’d be pretty pissed, right?

Example #2:  Your friend asks you to loan him $100, explaining that he can’t afford to pay his bills.  You loan him the money.  Later that evening you catch him blowing it at the titty bar on the fat stripper.

Example #3:  You’re being held down against your own will taking 14″ of cock in the ass while you’re forced to watch your significant other willingly sleep with someone else.  To top things off your dog died, your father came out of the closet and your car’s been stolen.

Explain to me why you’re not pissed right now, you stupid fucks.  Why shouldn’t any of us be pissed off at the economy and government at the moment?  They’re lending out billions to trillions of our taxpayer dollars to fuckheads who already have millions and refuse to sacrifice anything, yet we sit here and pay the bill.

Listen here, gov, instead of giving these millionaire fucksticks a few more billion to play around with, why not give it to the people who these companies depend on?  I’m not sure if you notice or not, but giving money to a giant corporation out of the taxpayer pockets is still not going to solve the problem.  Why?  BECAUSE WE ARE THE FUCKING CONSUMERS.  Do you even fucking know what that means?  We buy the shit.  Duh.   We, not them.  How are we going to buy shit that we already can’t afford if you’re giving away our money?

Give the money to us.  If you keep giving money to the corporations they’re going to keep failing.  No matter how much you give to them, they’re not going to buy their own products and keep their own business going.  No way.  Besides, why are you bailing them out anyway?  You should have just told the fucks to drop their prices, sacrifice their millions in assets, take a pay-cut and come down to the level of the rest of America.

And that makes me wonder, how would the executives survive on $40,000/yr?  It’s unbelievable that anyone could live without a pool, BMW or maid service.  Do you realize how hard it is to clean a toilet bowl?  Physicists have been trying to figure it out for years, it’s a fucking science all in its own!

And one more thing with the fucking economy, what the fuck is with all the excess news and media coverage on topics such as Martha Stewart’s dog dying in a propane explosion?  I’m sure there’s more important topics to cover.  This just in, Martha Stewart’s dog has died.  Stay tuned for 24/7 coverage of this breaking news.

Do any of you remember the first Six Flags opened up back in ‘61 in Texas and was powered by nothing but orphan midgets held captive in tupperware containers then to only grow up to be the Cleveland Cavaliers?  Neither do I.  But it happened and it’s real.

I think a lot of you need to brush up on your fucking history.  And being that I’m such a history nut, I’m going to help you beef up your knowledge of the past.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Lesson #1:  Hitler was not a bad man.  No, he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t even involved in WWII.  Adolf Hitler was a Lithuanian refugee during the time of the 2nd world war and spent most of his days helping invent crotchless panties.  In his spare time Adolf enjoyed papercrafting and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #2:  Mother Teresa = prostitute.  You fuckers can’t be serious when you believe the filthy whore was a fucking saint.  That bitch did nothing but suck off Indians for decades, then she assumes we should all just hand her some peace prizes and such.  Frankly that posing bitch did nothing but whore herself out like Lindsay Lohan at an open bar.  In her spare time Mother Teresa could be found surfing off the Maui shores and flashing the elderly.

Lesson #3:  Rome WAS built in a day.  Give up on all those fucking closed minded shitsuckers who believe that Rome took hundreds to thousands of years to build.  That’s bullshit.  One day this fucking guy sat down in the middle of his village and said, “Listen up fuckheads, I’m in charge and I’m naming my land Rome.  Shut the fuck up and like it.  Rice and venison in the mess hall tonight.”  Tada.  Rome was built in less than a day, moments to be exact.  A lot of strange habits were then formed, lap dances and flashing the elderly, for instance.

Lesson #4:  You.  You were born.  Too bad you’re a piece of shit.

I love a broad with a dildo.  Seriously.  Nothing screams, “I’m a horned up freak who wants something phallic at least 40 times a week” like a chick with a drawer filled with plastic cocks.  And men like that.  Take it from me, I’m a man.  A man who appreciates a woman who’s willing to take 8″ of any of the multiple choice answers: plastic rod, broom handle, television remote, shampoo bottle, fist to elbow, deer antler.

Sex toys are so much more than just a hole stretcher for women, but a sign that us men have a better chance of scoring.  If I’m in some crazy bitch’s apartment and I see her coot-diddler sitting out somewhere, I instantly know that she’s willing to take a dick.  I also know that she’s loose, so I have to make compensation adjustments by using her bathroom and vigorously searching for hair ties.  Actually, forget I said that.

At any rate, rubber dicks are the best thing that could happen to man.  We no longer have to guess by the cross necklace or count partners by the number of holes in her jeans.  Nope, we just calculate how slutty she is based on how many toys she has.   Also how many times she blows you while you’re out to dinner.

Things like dildos aren’t the only tell-tales.  Crotchless panties, whips, swings and adult film contracts are only a few of the other items that help expose a woman’s sexuality.  For instance, the more pornos she’s been in, the less likely you are to have sex.  Seriously, she’s seen all shapes and sizes, so unless you have platypus growing off your wedding tackle, she’d probably rather watch water evaporate than sleep with you.

So ladies with toys, I salute you.  I salute you as a man who can now easily recognize which of you are easy lays and which of you have crotch caves that have enough volume to necessitate my entire arm.  So enjoy the uncontrollable pussy spit running down your leg when your lips are too expanded to perform their sealant duties.

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