Alright, Friday’s cinematic adventure was a bust.  I absolutely despise going to the theater alone.  Almost as much as I hate paying $7 to see something that doesn’t have a guarantee to entertain.  With previews being so deceptive these days, it’s a wonder that they are still luring consumers into the cineplexes.  So I instead opted to watch the movie on, errr, my friends, yeah, computer.  He sometimes downloads the telesync cams, sometimes.  He’s a good friend, you could swear he and I were like brothers.  Twin brothers.

Out of Friday’s options I chose Max Payne.  Now I know I said I was going to tear apart shitty movies, movies that don’t deserve any big screen recognition, but I wasn’t in the mood to watch junk.  Boy, was I surprised.  After watching it 5 times, I’m still not sure what the fuck is going on.  There’s no way my attention span is that defective.

I understood the story line, I knew what was supposed to be happening, but I felt like I was watching a movie directed by Rorschach.  Everything was was jumbled so bad, I couldn’t tell where the reality was supposed to begin and the hallucinations where ending.  God damnit, I’m so confused I can’t even slam this film.  I’ve never been so disappointed in my life.

The action was seriously lackluster, which heavily consisted of gunfights in which nobody could kill their targets.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hunting with a bolt action rifle before and have had no fucking problem hitting a moving target.  But these assholes, with their 600 rounds per minute assault rifles can not even graze a single man in an office building.

Ok, let’s stop here for a second, I need to shit.

Alright, I’m back.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, piss-poor aim.  Seriously, even Ray Charles could have hit Max with at least one bullet.  One of the scenes I am referring to is when Max(Wahlberg) and his former supervisor, Jason Colvin(Chris O’Donnell) step out of Jason’s office to find a fucking S.W.A.T. team standing before them, weapons draw, locked, loaded and ready to fire.  At this point(I must add that they wanted to kill these two off for conspiracy reasons), S.W.A.T. fires ONE FUCKING BULLET and manages a clean kill on Jason.  Jason falls, Max runs.  Keep in mind, these assholes ARE IN A FUCKING OFFICE BUILDING!!  Max begins his run, S.W.A.T. begins to fire, yet they can not hit him.  Why did they waste all that time training to join S.W.A.T. if they, in full force, cannot immobilize one damned human?

There were many more scenes of similar nature in which gun fights failed harder than the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.  But that was all that was filled with phale.  Max Payne, played by Mark Wahlberg, reminded me of Charlie Crocker, Dirk Diggler, Bob Lee Swagger, Dignam, Izzy Cole…I think you get the picture.  Seriously, Mark, learn to act a little different than a box of pet rocks.  You’re boring me, seriously.  I’ve had more fun getting my face smashed in with a tire-iron.  You did Max Payne as a favor without pay, right?

And I can’t forget about the ever-popular, big-screen Ukrainian nudist, Olga Kurylenko.  Once again I find myself watching another film in where she strips herself naked, to reveal the body of a 12 year old boy, and attempts to fuck whatever’s in the near vicinity.  I laughed when I witnessed her character Natasha be rejected by Max Payne.  Why?  Because that will make 2 movies in a row where she’s been turned down and pushed away because the main character doesn’t want to do 10-15 for sleeping with a 6th grader.

Warning, the Hitman clip is semi-NSFW, which means if you’re blogging from work, don’t play the video unless you want to see boobies…and by boobies, I mean unless you want to share a gay, pedophile carpenter’s wet dream with him, assuming all said carpenters are male.

Download Link Max Payne Clip

Download Link Hitman Clip - NSFW

Congrats Olga, regardless of how low you can take yourself, throw your body around and tramp it up, you’re about as sexually useful as a bag of hammers.  Unfortunately I know that your slut streak is nowhere near over with, considering the Quantum of Solace premiere is on Wednesday.  It’s almost inevitable that you will be down to a blanket, handbra, skimpy shirt or bikini, I mean, hey, it’s a Bond movie, how many times hasn’t a Bond girl gotten down to next to nothing?  Thankfully, because it’s a James Bond movie, we won’t have to see you fully nude.  This is a huge relief for me, worth at least 3-4quarts of Crown Royal.

Overall, if I were to rate Max Payne on a scale of 1-10, I’d give it a 2.  That extra point was landed for the director’s(John Moore) courtesy and planning of keeping Olga at least nudely covered and not allowing the movie to surpass 2 hours in length.  However, you lose 3 points as a man for not cockslapping the writers for presenting you with a huge pile of shit to work with, not that you did a whole lot to make it any better, fucko.

I like my whiskey like I like my women, in a bottle and made out of whiskey.

I might be an alcoholic.

Well because a shitload of people have asked me, “What do you want for your birthday?” I’ve decided to respond in the form of a blog. Frankly, I’m tired of hearing it. Most people know what I want, but they don’t normally listen. Others are just confused. Then there’s the select few who want me to beg and tell them rather than they acting on impulse and doing what they feel. Yeah, I’m being a bitch about this.

To begin I’d like to cover the things I don’t want. Stuffed animals and plants. They’re about as useful as dead batteries. I also could care less for any watercrafts that don’t float. Boats are meant to be above water, the fuck will I do with one that can’t meet that requirement? And NO, I’m not joking here folks, absolutely NO scale models of a meat packing plant.

Thinking of more and more, there are many material things I could use. Most of which are off the scale in price and availability. Such as my own country. I could really use that, I mean I would be awesome at running my own country, people would build shrines of me. That would be kickass. Any car or SUV worth more than $75,000 would also be an appreciated gift.

Beyond those, there are things like the guitar I’ve been trying to acquire all year, a Nikon D80 camera, Crown Royal Reserve whiskey w/ mixers(Redbull + Liquid Ice), lapdances, In & Out burger, Xbox 360…etc. Those are just the minor things. A few TB Seagate harddrives would work well too.

Naturally I don’t expect much off that list besides the booze and lapdances, but I can dream, can’t I? I know there’s a few of you out there who’re going to end up enjoying the booze with me, so let’s make the best of it! To the rest of you, shut the fuck up, I don’t want your hand-me-down dinette sets and used underwear. Wait, ladies, yes I do. Send me panties!